My socially conscious ten-year old asked for cologne for his b-day last week. I know, he’s only ten. He shouldn’t be thinking about stuff like that. But he is. So, being a responsible but indulgent parent, I took him to the mall and taught him most of what I know (which isn’t much - but turned out to be better than what the professional Parfum consultant had to say - which was: “buy the newest scents [because I'll get a better end-of-month bonus if you do]“). Here are the three free samples she gave us while we thought it over:
Here is what I taught him (and am archiving here for the future reference of my other three boys. Yes, one plus three is four - I have four boys and one girl - and again, that means I have FIVE KIDS). Please review the following and add your two (s)cents worth of what you would tell your kid about perfume or cologne.
Explanations:
1. The mandate to hold the atomizer 10″-12″ from the object (neck and wrist) came after he took the miniature spritzer of Armani’s “DIAMOND” and proceeded to drench himself with it in the same way we spray him down with mosquito repellent. This is the first rule of odoriferous stuff: never emit too much.
2. Do not smoke - ever. Smoking is bad for you. In the context of applying cologne, you can be severely burned and end up in a burn unit with the woodsy scent of Hilfiger a la burnt flesh eternally seared into your nostrils. (trying to keep him scared straight on this exaggeration)
3. Vapor Harmful: Again, too much of this stuff is bad. It will cause dizziness, headache or vomiting of yourself or those around you. As the fairer sex have twice the olfactory sensitivity as most men, they are usually the ones to experience these effects first. Think of Pepe Le Pew and Penelope Pussycat then apply the principle of “less is more.”
4. First aid: sometimes the vaporizer gets turned the wrong way and you end up getting a squirt in the eye. In this case, flush extensively with water. I did this once with Aquanet hair spray in the 7th grade and it made the right half of my face swell and turn red for two days.
5. Keep away from children. ”What were they doing in my room?” is no excuse. You have to hide it from Sarah, Timothy and Abraham or it will end up broken, incinerated or lost.
6. (not mentioned on the above Krylon paint can) Find your own scent. If a friend tells you that he/she likes how you smell, look them in the eye, give an appreciative, genuine smile and say “thank you.” (When he gets home from his mish I’ll teach him the cocky/funny response, “Yeah, I get that pick-up line a lot, I wish girls could come up with something more original. So, ya wanna buy me a drink now I suppose?”) (then flash the winning smile). On the other hand, if you are wearing a non-noxious amount and someone doesn’t like it, and says as much, just ignore them. Silence creates the shortest conversations. Bottom line, your scent is an amplification of all that you are: fun, intelligent, happy, engaging, charismatic and charitable. If you act that way when you wear it, others will eventually learn to love it.
7. Never use cologne to cover up BO, dog poop on your shoe, or the odor of a milk product as it sours on upholstery. Oh, and if you spill Obsession in a car, call LeeAnn. I hear she’s got a great way to get it out. Something about a powersprayer at a public car wash facility.
8. Apply only ONE spritz (from 10-12 inches away) to your neck and wrists. (yes, this was mentioned in rule #1, but repetition is the mother of learning).
9. If you get a new cologne for Christmas or your b-day or Valentines day from a girlfriend, immediately smash it on the nearest hard surface, exclaim, “I’m sorry that you don’t like the REAL ME and feel the need to change me,” tell her it’s over, and then try to forget about girls until you get back from your mission. In fact, do that with any gift from an admirer until you get home from the mish. 
