My socially conscious ten-year old asked for cologne for his b-day last week. I know, he’s only ten. He shouldn’t be thinking about stuff like that. But he is. So, being a responsible but indulgent parent, I took him to the mall and taught him most of what I know (which isn’t much - but turned out to be better than what the professional Parfum consultant had to say - which was: “buy the newest scents [because I'll get a better end-of-month bonus if you do]“). Here are the three free samples she gave us while we thought it over:
Here is what I taught him (and am archiving here for the future reference of my other three boys. Yes, one plus three is four - I have four boys and one girl - and again, that means I have FIVE KIDS). Please review the following and add your two (s)cents worth of what you would tell your kid about perfume or cologne.
Explanations:
1. The mandate to hold the atomizer 10″-12″ from the object (neck and wrist) came after he took the miniature spritzer of Armani’s “DIAMOND” and proceeded to drench himself with it in the same way we spray him down with mosquito repellent. This is the first rule of odoriferous stuff: never emit too much.
2. Do not smoke - ever. Smoking is bad for you. In the context of applying cologne, you can be severely burned and end up in a burn unit with the woodsy scent of Hilfiger a la burnt flesh eternally seared into your nostrils. (trying to keep him scared straight on this exaggeration)
3. Vapor Harmful: Again, too much of this stuff is bad. It will cause dizziness, headache or vomiting of yourself or those around you. As the fairer sex have twice the olfactory sensitivity as most men, they are usually the ones to experience these effects first. Think of Pepe Le Pew and Penelope Pussycat then apply the principle of “less is more.”
4. First aid: sometimes the vaporizer gets turned the wrong way and you end up getting a squirt in the eye. In this case, flush extensively with water. I did this once with Aquanet hair spray in the 7th grade and it made the right half of my face swell and turn red for two days.
5. Keep away from children. ”What were they doing in my room?” is no excuse. You have to hide it from Sarah, Timothy and Abraham or it will end up broken, incinerated or lost.
6. (not mentioned on the above Krylon paint can) Find your own scent. If a friend tells you that he/she likes how you smell, look them in the eye, give an appreciative, genuine smile and say “thank you.” (When he gets home from his mish I’ll teach him the cocky/funny response, “Yeah, I get that pick-up line a lot, I wish girls could come up with something more original. So, ya wanna buy me a drink now I suppose?”) (then flash the winning smile). On the other hand, if you are wearing a non-noxious amount and someone doesn’t like it, and says as much, just ignore them. Silence creates the shortest conversations. Bottom line, your scent is an amplification of all that you are: fun, intelligent, happy, engaging, charismatic and charitable. If you act that way when you wear it, others will eventually learn to love it.
7. Never use cologne to cover up BO, dog poop on your shoe, or the odor of a milk product as it sours on upholstery. Oh, and if you spill Obsession in a car, call LeeAnn. I hear she’s got a great way to get it out. Something about a powersprayer at a public car wash facility.
8. Apply only ONE spritz (from 10-12 inches away) to your neck and wrists. (yes, this was mentioned in rule #1, but repetition is the mother of learning).
9. If you get a new cologne for Christmas or your b-day or Valentines day from a girlfriend, immediately smash it on the nearest hard surface, exclaim, “I’m sorry that you don’t like the REAL ME and feel the need to change me,” tell her it’s over, and then try to forget about girls until you get back from your mission. In fact, do that with any gift from an admirer until you get home from the mish. 
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This is a comments box, not a polling box, but I’m interested in hearing what my readers and their spouses, moms, dads, etc. wear. I remember my mom’s Tabu, my dad’s Old Spice, and my older brother’s Elsha. For the past three year’s I’ve been sporting Issey Miyake’s L’eau D’Issey Pour Homme. Kym wears Happy on special occassions, but the lately she’s been wearing the captivating essence of “Mother’s Milk” exclusively from Abraham and alternating it with a scintillating soap and water (drives me wild).
the ten-year old that carpools with us just got polo sport which, surprisingly isn’t too bad. It’s actually not as strong as his deodorant. Mikeal finally, after 14 years, got a new scent- Light Blue by Dolce and Gabbana. He was previously wearing Liz Claiborne. I wouldn’t let him get a new scent unless I loved it as much as, or more than the old one. I prefer to wear the heady combination of Aveda confixor, rosemary mint body wash and whatever hairspray was on sale. My mom started wearing Donna Karan Cashmere Mist several years ago, and it is perfect for her- kind of powdery but not too sweet. Dad just wears swimming pool chlorine. I love it.
Brian is getting two high school stories mixed up. LeeAnn accidentally spilled Eternity in the Grand Prix and we all smelled great after each ride with her for about a year. And Melissa decided, with the help of Jen I think, that the interior of her Sentra needed a spring cleaning and took it to the car wash where they proceeded to power wash the inside with the self wash sprayer.
When I was ten I frequently (read always) smelled of cow manure (especially when you’d let go of Nelly’s tail) and dirt. These two scents were deliberately mixed with moldy hay and chicken feed to make me, and you, quite the dapper duo.
Applied liberally, the scents outlined above will more than sufficiently keep a father’s son from the attentions of the fairer sex until after the mish.
Fitzoner- Yet another reason why we need the ranch. Do you know how much it would cost me to go out and buy cow manure, moldy hay and chicken feed? Noah and Elijah need protection. We have to figure this out.
Anyone else here remember Aspen? Aaah, the 7th grade. I understand that Aspen is still kicking around junior high lockers. Probably mostly because the janitors couldn’t wash out that stench even with that industrial strength stuff they use. As I think about it, I still have a bottle that I’ll sell to the highest bidder. Just to add sales value to the ever popular Aspen, I’m sure that it would keep any girl away from any of your sons. After all, it didn’t work that well for me when I was in the 7th grade. I think I might have had more luck with Fitzoner’s cocktail.
Mandi: Thank you for sharing that there is another 10 year-old in the world that is interested in cologne and that you find his choice unoffensive. Your opinion on matters like this carry tremendous sway with me.
Also, did the cologne that Michael chose come in a light blue box that was embossed with alligator skin? Because if it was, that is the one I liked best (and was tempted to buy), when I was sampling scents with Elijah.
Fitzoner: The solution of tying her tail to the barn post with a piece of twine was the solution to that problem. That is, until you untied her head one morning after milking her and she walked away from the stall with her tail still tied to the post and it ripped 1/3 of her tail off. After that, you’d get thumped by her bloody stump of a tail. That was even yuckier.
Iver: Ahhhh, Aspen. If you draw Noah or Elijah for Christmas, please gift/regift it to them and we’ll see if your theory works. There may have been other reasons that Aspen didn’t work for you in the 7th grade, like that possibility that some girls might have thought that you were an obnoxious know-it-all.
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